A whole year!

Its been a full year since I entered single mommyhood. One year ago, I had to explain to my babies that their dad was gone and there was no chance he was coming back to live. I had high hope that he would still be very involved in their lives, that they wouldn't suffer from the loss of their father.  I was wrong. For the past year, its been rare visits and not so much quality time. Besides 2 of our hospital stays, he hasn't spent more than a few hours with them at a time. Its been hard for them to adjust to.

As a now-single mom of 5, its been hard on me too. How do I do it all? How do I be everywhere I need to be physically and emotionally? I've been burned out and exhausted. I bitch and moan and pick myself back up. But, even on the worst days, I have no regrets. If I had the opportunity to do it all over again, id do it the same.  I wouldn't trade my kids for anything and I can't imagine life without them. They are incredible kids who will grow to be amazing people. They are such a gift to me and the world.

I can't replace their dad and I don't want to. I want him to be there for them. My boys need a dad to teach them boy stuff. I don't fish, I suck at sports and I know nothing about puberty or any of that stuff. My girls need to be little princesses. They should be going to daddy daughter dances and being told how beautiful they are from him.   I just hope he realizes it soon before its too late. It hurts me so bad that they dont have that. I'm hoping in time it will get easier. Either their dad will step up fully or ill be able to fill in that gap somehow.



I've learned a lot about myself in the past year. I spent 16 years of my life as an extension of someone and now I'm my own woman. I think its been great. I know that I am capable. I am stronger than I like to admit. I deserve more than I had gotten and that I am important.  I'm a really good mom. I still make too many mistakes, but I'm going to learn from them. I am thinking about what I want to do with my life after the kids are all in school.  I would love to start taking college classes and start volunteering. I want to learn to sew and grow a garden. 

I've learned who my true friends are. I have a few really awesome friends who have helped with my kids, just so i could keep some of my sanity.  I have a great neighbor that I know I can count on if I need anything. He has saved my car battery more than once.  I have someone special to me that treats me great and makes me very happy. Its such a great feeling knowing I'm not alone. 

The past year has been rough. We have had Leeya's gtube surgery,  Ty's hospitalizations, Jaxson's hospital stay and gj placement, at least a dozen ER trips and too many Dr appointments. I've learned of a few more diagnosises for my kids. I've battled sleepless nights, sibling arguements and tantrums all day. I've yelled too much.  I've wiped too many tears, from the kids and from me.  With no relief. I can't use that saying "just wait til your father gets home" like I used to.

We have also had some really great memories in the past year. I've watched them grow a year older and I cherish every moment (almost).  We made it to the zoo, the beach, museums, carnivals, their first train ride to Chicago and millions of parks. We have baked and crafted. They enjoyed body painting, dance parties, playing in the mud, swimming and building snowmen. I've shared the excitement of the Easter bunny and Santa with them.

I'm excited to see what this next year brings.  We will make even more memories and have more fun. I feel more confident than I did last year and that will only make it easier. Tyler will be starting Junior high (Omg!) Abby is planning on starting a fundraising event (undecided what cause still) . Skylan will continue her gymnastics. Jaxson wants to start soccer and football and is entering kindergarten in the fall. Leeya  will most likely start preschool this fall and Im hoping to enroll her in gymnastics.
I'm determined to give my babies the life they deserve... single, exhausted mom and all.