I need an instruction book.

I'm going to say it bluntly. Kids are tough little creatures. They cry, scream and are messy. Most days, I feel like I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I need an instruction book.

When I was pregnant with them, I read the "What to Expect when your Expecting" books, cover to cover. I talked to my belly and envisioned my precious baby, the one that would NEVER hit, NEVER be that bratty, snot nosed kid in Walmart that makes you need excedrin and my kids would NEVER talk back.  I was going to be the best mom ever. I was going to be patient, creative and teach them all the right things. IT DIDN'T WORK.
Once they were born (well...#1, #2 and semi with #3) I did everything "right". I spent hours upon hours of enriching their little brains. I read books to them before they could even focus their eyes, we sang songs and did baby stretches. I made their babyfood out of organic produce, made homemade millet cereals and even made them their fresh carrot juice. IT DIDN'T WORK.

As they got older I kept trying to be that "perfect" mom. I've put them in soccer, baseball, tap, jazz, gymnastics ,Tae kwon do, baby gyms, mommy and me classes and more, cheering them on like they were superstars. I spent so much time with each child individually and treasured every moment. (almost) We have crafted and baked and talked so much. We have spent so much time making good memories and having fun.

But, guess what? IT DIDN'T WORK.  I got a tad lazy. I got tired to the point of being overwhelmed. Add in 3 more kids, 2 with unexpected medical issues. Financial strain and then thrown into single mommyhood. The past 4 years have been filled with sleepless nights, hundreds of hours of therapy for the littles, surgeries, Dr appts. And guilt. LOTS of guilt. Excuses, excuses though. I could have the most typical life and to be quite honest, Id still probably have a similar outcome. Kids are just monsters sometimes and all moms need a rest.

I try, don't get me wrong. I still read on the best techniques. I still cook bizarre dinners and sneak nasty pine nut oil in their food. I realized the need to buy the "Super Nanny" book. I have tons of boards on Pinterest that I barely use, so I can be that "perfect mom" . We still have fun and get messy. We still make great memories. I still try to teach them right from wrong and how to make good choices.  To be honest though, some days are just focused on surviving til bedtime.

I have 5 small people here with their own agenda. They have very strong personalities. I've got tantrums, rage issues, adhd and sibling rivalry that can draw blood. They sometimes do things and say things that I never imagined possible. They suprise me daily. I've been "the worst mom ever" according to a few and I think they have all 5 have officially told me they hate me at some point (good thing Leeyas in speech?!). I have a naked child covered in nutella frequently and I don't even think I can safely make my way across any of their bedroom floors. It would be comical on a reality show.

I've lost best friends because of my inability to keep my kids in order and I've become a bad friend in the process of trying to keep my own sanity. I was too preoccupied with my own chaos to help them with their struggles. I can't fix that now and it breaks my heart. I wish I could. I'm very sorry for that.

I love my kids. I really, really do. I just wish someone would have warned me that the millet cereal I slaved over wouldn't help down the line with their hormonal outbursts and constant attitudes. Who knew?!

So, To all you new moms out there: chances are that your kids will wear you out too at one point or another. They will do all the things you can't even imagine. There is no "perfect mom" and you will never have a "perfect kid". Just enjoy what you have and keep on pushing through.

I still have high hopes they will grow up to be productive, genuinely nice people. They can be great kids, really. Each kid has their own unique qualities that make them awesome. They do have good hearts. I'm certain of that and we will all survive. They know they are loved unconditionally. 


 I also need to accept that I will never be the "perfect mom".Unless, of course,  I had that damn instruction book....